why people cheat and how to keep your relationship strong

Cheating on a significant other or spouse, as far as the United States goes, is the most evil thing a person can do. While most other moral issues fall into many shades of gray, infidelity is still very much black and white for so much of the world.

On the other hand, cheating is becoming more commonplace for men and women (very much so depending on how wide you want to draw the window of what you consider cheating).

Now while I don’t condone cheating, it is one of the most understandable behaviors on Earth if we look at it through the lens of our 6 human basic needs that drive all human behavior:

Certainty
Uncertainty (variety)
Love/Connection
Significance
Growth
Contribution

To assess the health of your relationship there’s no better measure than looking at how your 6 human needs are being fulfilled in the relationship and how your partner’s 6 human needs are being fulfilled in the relationship.

1. Certainty - Does your relationship feel certain and secure? Do you have routines? Do you think your partner will always be there and do they feel the same way about you?
2. Uncertainty (variety) - Does your relationship have a lot of surprises? Are new things happening? Does the relationship feel challenged? Is there a variety in the types of conversation you are having?
3. Love/Connection - Do both of you feel loved in the relationship? Do you go out of your way to be share affection and share it in the way that your partner wants to receive it?
4. Significance - Does each person feel important to the other? Are they the most important? Does either partner disrespect the other one or make them feel small? Does each person feel heard? Are the kids more important than your partner?
5. Growth - Is the relationship growing stronger or is it stagnant or declining? Are you having new experiences that are making the couple stronger? Are you learning new things together? Do you share growth activities together like coaching or fitness?
6. Contribution - Is each person giving to the other and does each partner notice and appreciate the contributions that the other is making to the family or the couple? Do you notice when he takes out the trash? Are you appreciative when she makes dinner?

If you were to grade your relationship in each category on a scale of 1-10 you can get a good idea of not only the health of your relationship, but whether or not infidelity could be looming around the corner. If you are in the 1-3 range your relationship is almost dead. If you’re in the 4-5 range you’re pleasant roommates (not out of the woods). If you’re in the 6-7 range you’re pretty solid friends at minimum. The 8-10 range makes you a model couple and you should share your secrets with the world.

Infidelity is against virtually everyone’s moral code, but it still happens with relative frequency even to people who hate themselves for. The thing about our basic human needs is that every person is going to meet their needs somehow. If someone can’t meet those needs in their relationship then they are going to do it somewhere else - whether that be at work, with their kids, or in other relationships (family, friends, or even affairs).

If you want to make it even easier to make sure your relationship is strong, consider that most people value 2 of those 6 needs higher than the others. If you know which two needs drive your partner, then you can get an even narrower focus that makes shaping up your relationship even easier. The needs of someone who values certainty above all others are far different from someone who is driven by uncertainty and variety. Love your partner based on their two primary needs more than your own two primary needs.

If you want to inoculate yourself from infidelity, then tend to your partner’s 6 human needs as if they were your own and you’ll be okay. And just remember, if you’re not happy in your romantic relationship, then you’re not happy in life.

Feel free to e-mail me or set up a free phone call if you want to talk about your relationship and how to make it stronger: