How to get rid of a limiting self-concept to have a limitless life

One of the things I see constantly in my clients is people holding themselves back based on their own self-concept rather than the external factors in the world around them.

Throughout life, people make decisions about themselves that may or may not be true. Or they are true some of the time and people extrapolate that idea to their entire life.

How many people do you see that would tell you they are “shy,” but then you’ve seen them be the life of the party one or more times? How many people seem quiet, but then get up to give a presentation at work and magically find another gear where they are commanding and inspiring? How many people think of themselves as a total bad ass at work, but then come home and are easy-going sweethearts with their children and spouse? And I’m sure everyone is familiar with the often celebrated lady (or gentleman) in the streets who’s a “freak” in the sheets.

All of us have these apparent contradictions in our personalities if we look for them, but most people never stop to investigate these beliefs that sit in the back of their heads and filter all their decisions. We all have dynamic personalities and we all “perform” differently depending on the setting and who we are with.
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If you want to move up in the world, level down, or pivot in a different direction, one of the best skills you can develop is to gain control of the different parts of yourself so that you are capable of calling whichever version you need at the time you need. Here’s how to get started:
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1. Write down ten major adjectives or descriptions about yourself. These could be things like shy, loud, caring, confident, nervous, bold, caring, cold, etc. Just a quick jotting of your personality.
2. For each description, write one or more pieces of evidence that contradict your own description of yourself. Maybe you wrote shy or quiet, but there was that wedding last summer where you danced the night way and partied really hard or the fact that you joined toastmasters and give public speeches all the time. If you wrote ambitious, maybe there was a day or two where you binge watched Breaking Bad just because you felt like doing nothing.
3. Write down something you want for your life. It could be anything in any area of your life from a new career or promotion to becoming a more enthusiastic lover.
4. Jot down 5 or more adjectives or descriptors that would be beneficial for your goal. If you want to move from middle management to the executive suite, you might write more commanding, bolder, etc. If you want to be a better parent you might write more patient, playful, and so on.
5. Write down some examples of when you were those things you aspire to be. I’m certain if you think hard, there are some good examples. Finding these examples and giving yourself some much needed perspective should change your life in that you know you are capable of much more than you originally started.
6. If you want to go one step further, or if you couldn’t find good examples for number 5, write down some easy rituals you can add to your life to get better at playing the part you need to play. If you want to be more playful with your kid, you could set aside 10 minutes where you put your phone away and get on the floor with them and play whatever game they’re into. If you want to get more confident at networking or talking to people, you can challenge yourself to start one conversation a day that you normally wouldn’t have. Think small on this and let’s build as we go.

This quick exercise is designed to show you that you’re NOT who you think you are. Who you think you are is just one piece of who you are and as you go through this exercise you should realize that your personality is far more dynamic than you imagined. Odds are, the person you need to become already exists inside of you.
 
Feel free to shoot me an e-mail at andrew@andrewwarner.org with your lists or if you have any questions.